Five Things That Scare Me

One of the questions we get asked when leaving for a big adventure is “Are you nervous?” or “Are you scared?” No matter how excited I am, my answer to this so far has been undoubtedly, “Yes.”

As one who tends to overthink things and get especially anxious about the unknown, I reflected on what exactly scares me about leaving the U.S. to live in Korea. Here are the top five things that scare me:

1. Being 6,249 miles away from my loved ones
I’m trying to entrust God with my family and friends while I’m gone. This is the ultimate letting-go for me. I keep reminding myself that it’s only a year. Only a year. But it’s especially hard, because I’ve never been away from them for so long. I’ve never been out of the country. Even when I moved out for my last year of college, I was still only a fifteen minute drive away from my parents’ house. So, I’m looking to God to allow peace and wellness over all my loved ones while I’m gone, and that if anything were to happen, he will hold everything together, as he always does.

But I also worry about what life will be like without them. I don’t know what it’s like to not have them near me for support and encouragement. As close as technology can bring us to each other these days, it won’t be the same as having my family and friends physically present in my life. I’m a little afraid that I’m going to get to Korea and think What have I done??? Who are all of these strangers?

2. My dog dying
My favorite animal in the world, Cody, is getting old. He’s about 11, and he’s in that stage where he has suspicious lumps on his body, he can barely get his Sheltie rump off the ground to stand up, and he mostly sleeps when he’s not eating. I’m gonna miss his presence as he lays by my bed, as he bites my pant legs because he thinks he’s supposed to herd me like a sheep. It’s going to be hard to pet his head in goodbye, because I know it might be the last time I do so.

I made my family promise that they wouldn’t just take tons of pictures of him as soon as I left (in case, he dies they said they would just send me a picture from their “archive” every once in awhile, making me think he’s still alive) or get him taxidermied (so they could just use him as a puppet when we Skype). My family is hilarious, as you can probably tell. But in all seriousness, I really would like to come back to my dog, alive and well, even if he’s a little more fragile.

3. Teaching Korean school children
On a lighter note, I’m afraid I’m going to struggle to communicate with the children I’ll be teaching. For the past three years, I’ve worked as a Writing Center consultant at my university, solely tutoring adults and sometimes high schoolers. You hardly ever see kids on a college campus, so when you do, it’s like, “Look! A tiny person! Is that a baby genius or are they with their parents because the babysitter is out sick?” Basically, I’ve got to get used to teaching an entirely different audience, with the addition of a language barrier.

And besides that, I’ve always been a tiny bit awkward with kids. I mean, I’m awkward with any person of any age, but I still have this weird fear of going for a Ms. Frizzle kind of coolness, and ending up more like Mr. Kimble from Kindergarten Cop. Both characters make inspirational teachers, but I don’t want to end up shouting “THERE EEZ NO BAWTHROOM!” to a bunch of children. We’ll see how it goes. I just bought a cardigan with pineapples all over it, so that should give me some confidence to start out with.

4. Losing important documents (like my passport)
The only stress dream I’ve had throughout this Korea-preparing process was one where I wandered through a dimly-lit airport checking and re-checking that I had everything with me. I just really, really, hope I don’t lose anything important, and that the trip there goes smoothly. Again, I’m going to have to trust my Father in heaven that I will be able to handle everything like the competent adult I pretend to be.

5. Liking Korea so much that I don’t want to come back
I don’t have a plan after year one of Korea. I’m not sure if I’ll return home, stay on for another year, go to grad school, do some more traveling, find a tech writing job, fly to the moon, join a circus. What if home is not Colorado Springs? Will my family be crushed if I don’t come back for longer than a year? Will I even be able to leave them for longer than that?

Giving my fears over to God is like peeling off a band-aid with an extra-strong adhesive, but I believe, one way or another, everything is going to be okay. (I think).

Advertisements